he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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