im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
