I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Welp...herpes.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
