I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
