Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
