I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
