I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
