hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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