I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Randomize
