While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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