My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
