btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
