You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
