I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
