I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
