So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
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