sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
