I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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