Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
