Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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