You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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