My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
