I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
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