it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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