now i know why i became what i already was.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Randomize
