you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
