Please, let me fuck your mom
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
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