I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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