dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
