i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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