Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
