i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
