morning after pill = breakfast in bed
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
