I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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