Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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