my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
