I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
