there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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