barbara walters just said penis...
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
