She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
