all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
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