I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
