I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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