Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
