The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
