After last night, I could never be a politician.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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