Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
