I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
