and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Randomize
