did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
