Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Randomize
