I just threw up on my dentist
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
