You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Randomize
