did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
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