Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
